Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Egoless State

After my Vipassana course I actually ended up in hospital suffering from Mania. It passed very quickly and I felt fine again after a week.

I believe the course was worth the hospital stay. Actually it was quite pleasant - free food, free accommodation and I even had en suite for the first few days! Excellent :)

It brings me on to the point of this post. When I first read up on what Vispassana was all about it talked about an egoless state. Now, I (ME ME ME) has always been quite attached to my ego. But I realise now what an egoless state is - and the benefit of being in such a state.

Your ego is your projection of yourself onto others. I want You to have a particular opinion of ME. And so I shape myself to make you see what I want you to - so that you will like me.

Pretty dumb idea really, as if it turns out that you don't like my projection then you can hurt ME through my ego. Does that make sense?

Some people wrote to me after I had posted on my personal blog - to say they hoped I was ok - and well done for posting about it. Because there's a stigma attached to mental illness. But I wasn't afraid to say what happened.

You see, what I learned is that if you have a problem with me, then that is *your* problem. I am trying to live a good life - and just do good things - and if you have a problem with that - then there's really not much I can do about it!

So I am not scared to say what I am feeling any more - because I am happy with myself and so I do not need to project a fake me to win acceptance or appreciation!


Blogger Clare McLennan said...

It is an amazing feeling of freedom to say "This is who I am, and I don't want to hide who I am anymore".

When I came out of my depression a couple of months ago this was pretty much what I came up with too.

On a totally different subject, I talk a lot about egoless software development at work. This is where we don't care who's idea it was, we simply care about creating the best product we can. I believe in this, but having worked in a place with a huge amount of ego it is almost impossible not to find your ego creeping in aswell. Ego seems connected to a basic human need to be part of the social group. But maybe that is something you managed to free yourself from at the course.

Thanks for blog,

1:32 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home