Sunday, August 12, 2007

The Music Of The Universe

Not sure if yawnign lots is a symptom of depression - but it's certainly something I am doing rather a lot of at the moment. Definitely something I need to look into.

Got away for a good tramp (hike) last weekend - it was great to be out in the hills again. One of the more fun things that I expeirenced when I was manic was that music felt so much more - intense. I felt like even the wind was blowing harder and softer in a sort of a music of its own.

It was funny - I felt like everything - every footfall, every word, every whisper of the wind - everything - was all part of the music of life. It was a wonderful feeling to feel that all that I did was part of the universes music.

The depressing thing for me is that I do feel that Vipassana is a good technique, but the fact remains that it is a very powerful technique. They say on their website that Vipassana cannot cause mental problems, but I don't feel that this is true. I have heard from a few people who have had mental problems as a result of doing the course.. Certainly I'd never had a history of mental problems - nor my family either so it did come as a complete surprise.

I think that it would be best if people who want to do the course firstly do some shorter meditation courses and become a regular practitioner of meditation before launching into a 10 day course.

I am really nervous about going back and doing more meditation. I want to because I feel that it was positive, but I am really afraid of going manic again. Though I suspect with better sleeping habits (and the mood stabalisers etc. that I am on) that it's probably unlikely that I would go crazy again.

It's funny, on the vipassana website he talks about how ultimately you'll become a being who lives a life of selfless loving, of compassion etc. And that is the sort of person that I felt I was when I was manic. I just wanted to help people, and to show people how much love there was in the world. So maybe I just achieved exactly what I was supposed to ;) Just a heckuva lot quicker than I should have!?

Who knows - not me anyway.


Anonymous Freddie said...

I found your blog post through google, and I thought I might give some advice. I have dealt with panic and anxiety, along with some brief moments of what I would call depression.

Anyway, I have been looking into vipassana, zen, the nature of the mind etc...

There have been moments for me, usually after a period of anxiety, where I realize that I am not my thoughts, and I have this sense that I don't have to worry about anything. Soon after I found myself getting very excited, I wanted to get up out of bed (this was late at night) and do some artwork for no reason. I decided it was better not go get carried away with these good thoughts and just go to sleep.

Looking back on it, I feel like if I had gone in that very excited direction, I might have entered a manic state. The point of all this is that vipassana and meditation can be very helpful, but it is extremely important to go in with a neutral position towards it. So when you see through you depression, and the super awesome jesus-feeling comes in, your mindfulness should not just take a backseat to your happiness. If you want to stay sane, observe the bad thoughts as well as the good thoughts. This is something I think a lot of people forget this, since they get into meditation to get rid of the bad thoughts and feelings, and when the good feelings start to come in, they think it pointless to keep being mindful. But as you have probably seen, mania has a lot of downsides, and the happiness you get from it is always temporary. And no, you have not reached some weird meditation goal (if there is any), but you have experienced a very different type of consciousness than you are used to (feeling like you are everything). Just remember, you cannot be the voice inside your head while at the same time being everything else. Don't do anything drastic, keep being mindful of your own thoughts, and good luck :)

1:23 PM  

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