Goals

Quote from a book I am reading

'Every man has the same final destination: death at the end of life's road. But the path we travel makes all the difference. Some of us have maps and goals. Others are just lost'.

When I was manic I had a definite vision. I could see my path in technicolour! I felt like I had a purpose and a goal: Doing good and spreading love and the beauty of vipassana where I could. Now I no longer feel that way - I think that's one of the hardest parts to depression - namely that you feel directionless.. that you have no purpose!. I am trying to find my way again. I think what's really important to me is family and friends. Work is secondary to that. In fact work has a pretty low priority. Well, kinda.. I do believe the maxim that "no one on their death bed ever wishes they'd spent more time in the office".

That said, I am currently going through a phase where I'm trying to work out what job I want to do. I'm really thinking of becoming a maths teacher. I dunno if I will or not - but it seems like a good job. Besides the long holidays and the reasonable working hours you're passing on knowledge and have a chance to see kids develop. Could be good.. just dunno if I could control a class. Part of me thinks I could.. and part of me is dead scared!.

Its Not All Roses

What to write about today. Well, I think it's fair and reasonable to say that Vipassana is an incredibly powerful meditation technique. But I think it's only fair also to say just how risky meditation can be too. I went manic after 10 days of no talking and 11 hour days of meditation.

Admittedly at the time it felt completely wonderful, but being manic isn't a good state to be in. While very creative one has the urge to spend lots of money and just do whatever you want to do. I certainly had some interesting conversations, some of which I wish I could undo.

I suppose in a way this blog is turning into a little diary of someone who is swimming their way through bipolar! I'm not sure if it's fair to say that I am now bipolar after just having one manic and one depressive episode, but that's what they tell me I am!

I must say, depression utterly sucks. For those of you who have never been through it it's extremely difficult to say what it's like. You just don't want to get up in the mornings. I had mornings where I would like in bed agonising over what my day was going to be like! It's quite ridiculous really. I found myself walking through supermarkets and not being able to make my mind up over what to buy. Ridiculous. But until you've been there you'd never understand.

I'm trying to think that this will all turn out to be a positive experience.. I do hope it will have, but at the moment I'm not really sure it has been. I have been extremely lucky to have an employer who has allowed me huge amounts of flexibility and understanding. Very lucky indeed - anyone else and I feel sure I would have been let go long ago.

Some people reading this who have done Vipassana probably think I am being unfair in linking my troubled story to what, for them, has been an incredibly positive experience. It was probably my fault that I didn't do more investigation into what Vipassana was all about before diving into it feet first. I hope in some small way that maybe people will read this story and perhaps do some easier meditation courses first before diving in the deep end.